Making Miraculous Mornings

I just realized that it has been a month since my last post. I apologize. I suppose I have been gathering my internal resources to prepare for future battles. This unintended hibernation has been a time of meditation and reflection. It is no secret that the election was shocking to me, and I have watched with a mingling of horror, disgust, and a perverse sort of fascination, while wondering if our nation will survive. This is not a political post, though, just an offer of explanation.

A client of mine came in a few weeks ago. There was nothing particularly notable about the session, except that she seemed to be quite in touch with herself, and possessed a level of peace that I do not often see in people. I commented on it, and she suggested reading a book called, The Miracle Morning. She told me that it really helped her get her life on track. Out of curiosity, I downloaded it on Kindle, and have been working my way through it. I say “working” because there are concepts and suggestions that you really need to consider, for instance:

  • What would your perfect life look like? 
  • What would you need to do to accomplish it?
  • Why do you want the things that you desire?
As a Piscean woman, I tend to just flow through life. When I have a dream or desire, I manifest the vision in my head, then it just sort of happens. I don’t worry too much about details or steps, because I have a very assertive and driven partner who likes the take the lead, and though my desires usually create the framework, he tends to build it. I also tend to not get too hung up on the steps to get there. I find that when I cling to a plan, it disturbs my psyche if something changes. 
Case in point, yesterday, I had a massage appointment scheduled in Key West, which is a two hour drive from Key Largo. I left early to get there in plenty of time, because I wanted to stop off and see my father before (we hadn’t spoken since the holidays, and he had been on my mind). I made it all the way to Big Pine Key, which is about 35 mins from Key West, when work called to tell me I had two appointments scheduled at the resort. I was quite annoyed, and considered telling them where to stick it, but then I remembered that things tend to happen for a reason, and I headed back home. 
Last night, about 8:30, I received a call from my dad. He was coming back from Miami, where he had been for the past couple of days (unbeknownst to me). He wanted to stop by and see me on his way to Key West. Ironically, after all of the silliness over work, I still got to see my dad. This type of thing happens to me pretty regularly. I’ve learned to just go with it. 
Getting back to The Miracle Morning, I have found the book to be useful in creating a new vision for my future (amusingly, the full moon tonight is a perfect time for manifesting). I have been casting about since moving to the Keys, trying to figure out just what in the hell I want. I could very easily live another 40-50 years, and the life I will have looks absolutely nothing like the life I had raising my children, going to school, and starting a business.

Some of the goals that I have come up with are as follows:

  • I am making financial decisions that will grant me a comfortable lifestyle both now and in retirement.
  • I want to be slim and healthy for quality of life as I age. 
  • I want to read at least 15 mins every day from a book that will increase my knowledge and personal growth.
  • I want to be a better partner in my relationship.
  • I want to write a book.
None of these goals are beyond my reach, yet all of them take mindfulness and dedication to achieve. This book has been a wonderful focusing tool for me. I am eager to see where this leads me.

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I Choose Me

It was Fall of 2011 and my second marriage was imploding. He was so angry and unhappy, and we rarely had sex. When I pushed him about it, he told me to get a boyfriend.

Here’s a hint, ladies, when a man says that, he really doesn’t mean it.
When I met my lover, he was young, exciting, passionate, tireless – all of the things that my husband was not any longer. We were just supposed to have a physical relationship, but we fell deeply and madly in love. I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. He was like my own personal drug. There was no way to hide what we had, and I had to come clean and end things with my husband.

The thing is, he didn’t want to divorce. He kept urging me to stay. He said, give it more time, and things will get better. All I could think about, though, was that I was 38 years old, and did I really want to spend another several unhappy years in a situation that was obviously unfulfilling to both of us. It took several months of pain and mental torture for both of us before we were finally able to part ways. My lover was with me the entire time.

In the ensuing 5+ years that the two of us have been together, we have lived an absolute roller coaster ride. He has been with me through so many trials. He has always come through for me. He is a tireless worker, always game for adventure, and an absolute insatiable lover. The one thing that never changed between us was our physical chemistry. Our passion was often destructive, certainly to my mental health, but we just kept coming back to each other.

He is a tireless worker, always game for adventure, and an absolute insatiable lover.

At this point, though, I find myself in the same position I was all of those years ago with my ex-husband. My partner and I just cannot come up with a common goal for the future. We come together, fight, fuck, make up, part ways, then return for more. God! I hate that I love him so damn much. It would be so much easier if I hated him. The problem is, we have run off course, and I’m afraid that our path forward is no longer entwined.

The vision that my man has for me is not compatible with what I have in mind for the future. I am in my prime earning years, and really need to focus on my future and retirement. I can no longer afford to fritter away what youth and time that I have left. I’m too old to be a housewife. I would never be one, if I could. For months, I have tried to find a sign that this move was the right one for me. Ironically, it was the best move ever for him. It just works. He has everything, including a job he loves and his boss loves and respects him, a place of his own, and even his best friend. The problem is, in order to join him, I would have to say goodbye to my city, my friends, my life, my daughter, and most importantly, my business. I have been prepared to do this, but it just feels wrong in my heart. If I learned any lesson over the trials of the past year, I know that when my heart is fighting me, and the path gets challenging, and you run after one roadblock after another, you’re on the wrong road. I have come to realize, that the only real way forward, is to part ways.

It is time for me to suck in my resources. I need to build my financial stability while I still can. Frankly, I need to be selfish for the first time in my life. I can’t consider the feelings of other people now because I am in such a precarious position. I have to get my life back on track.

I need to build my financial stability while I still can. Frankly, I need to be selfish for the first time in my life.

I’m writing this in the midst of our impending breakup. I won’t publish it until we’re through. I have rarely been happy on my own. I have always had a partner, or at the very least a few lovers. This time, though, I want to try something different. This time, I want to direct my energy inward and work on all the things inside that bring me back time and time again to a place where I choose the wrong decisions for my life. It’s almost like I have to tear it all down just when I am on the verge of success.

This fucking hurts. It’s not as bad as it was the first time, or the second time, or even third and fourth times that we split up. I suppose I have developed scar tissue. The dull ache is still there on my heart, though. Leaving him will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I’m still going to do it.

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L’Aventure Commence

My name is Kandace. I am in my early 40s, mother of two, and a business owner. For some time now, I have been searching for something new. It has manifested as a yearning, an itch, a restlessness that is momentarily quelled by alternate states of overwork and overplay. My youngest is beginning her senior year of high school in a couple of weeks, and have glimpsed the vague, shimmering hazy and barely formed hint of what my life will become soon.
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