81 Days Til Mozambique

I have started counting down my days until I leave for the Peace Corps. In many ways, I have done all I can do, so it is a waiting game. I work. I write. I occasionally go on a date. I watch movies. I try to pay off bills.

I am the kind of person that hates downtime. I seem to live perpetually in the future, so it takes a colossal effort for me to slow down and savor the moment. I do love to take nature walks, but I detest the cold, so I have been home-bound a bit for the last month.

Adult Dating Is Complicated

I had a recent romance that was a revelation to me. He was a wonderful man, and I will forever be grateful to have met him. Sadly, our paths were not to continue for long, but the time that we had was intense and wonderful.

Since our brief interlude, I have had a few epiphanies. One, I am redoubled on my commitment to leave for the Peace Corps. I have realized that I was wavering on my plan because I was infatuated with him. He did not ask me to stay, but he certainly welcomed my desire to stay with him. It was fascinating to see that almost as soon as we ended, the confusion dropped, and I was as clear as ever. It was almost as if I had awakened from some spell.

Pleasing Others Above Myself

Two, I have realized that I have always lived my life to please others. I have held onto desires for myself, but I was always willing to abandon them for love and commitments. That was admirable when I was raising children, but at this point, it is just foolish. If I am ever going to experience what I want to experience, I must do it now. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Three, dating gets quite complicated the older you get. I have many opinions about why that is, but essentially I think it comes to this: we all have a past, and we all have lived long enough to have a good idea of what we want. We are also old enough to recognize that there will be life afterwards if things don’t work out.

Four, I almost unthinkingly fell into a traditional gender role with him. It was frightening how naturally I just allowed his life to take over mine. Part of the reason was because he was running multiple businesses and was always busy, while I am wrapping up my life here, so my schedule is a bit more flexible. I found I was very willing to follow his lead. I have realized that it is a pattern that is almost ingrained in me, and it was scary how it was almost an intuitive move.

Ready For Change

Finally, I suppose I am just ready for a change. I want to be yanked from my comfort zone and be forced to adapt to a new life. I want to get out of my head and do something worthy. I want to leave everything behind and redefine all that I am.

The time is soon, and I am ready.

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A Tale of Love & Destiny

Last year, I met and fell in love with the most incredible man I had ever met. He fascinated me with his travels, adventures, and intelligence. He showed me a life I had never considered before, and it was amazing.

We have had an intense and passionate romance, that came to an abrupt halt when his contract for work ended in America, and he had to return to Germany for his next project. Though we tried to find ways to keep him here or for me to join him there, it just never came together for us. It was absolutely heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.

In the months that have passed since his departure, my emotions have run the gamut. There is regret that we did not have more time. There is pain from the separation. There is appreciation for what we had together, and there is hope that we will be together again.

We have continued our relationship out of sheer stubbornness. It is so hard to release something that was so incredibly magical. Even as we both take other lovers, we cling to one another. When I consider ending things completely, I must wonder, what is there to end? We message each other daily, but we have not seen each other in months, nor do we have an exact date for a reunion.

I want to be angry with him for leaving, but how can I? He is being true to himself in living the life he desires. In his own way, probably without realizing it, he has released me to be the woman that I should have been all along. I finally took the initiative to join the Peace Corps, which was a lifelong desire of mine.

I also remember telling friends that, after having such an amazing man in my life, a new bar had been set. How could I choose unworthy men after him? I could only imagine the Superman that would come to me next.

The lovers that I have had since have all been special in their own way. I have no real interest in money, long-term relationships, or security, so I have held no agenda. I have chosen lovers who were fascinating and accomplished. I love meeting men from other countries who can teach me about the world from their standpoint. I love meeting men who are able to challenge my worldview. I have been able to truly enjoy them for who they are, and when our time was done, we kissed, held one another, then said goodbye with no regrets. I am pleased to still call most of them friends.

Knowing that I am leaving the country for two years to fulfill my dream has allowed me to step back and just live life. It has been liberating. And yet, in a plot twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, the Man of Steel himself has stepped into my life.

The day we met, I had just decided I was leaving Charleston until it was time for me to leave for Mozambique. On our date, within minutes of meeting one another, I had told him of my plan, and yet, he has enchanted me. We have lived more in the few weeks that we have known one another, than I have had in entire relationships with others. Our connection is deep and almost otherworldly. Perhaps because of the time we have left, we are pouring ourselves into one another.

This comes down to, not a choice between two amazing men, but rather which will I choose: a future with him or my dream life?

The one lesson I have learned is that when you release a lover, even if you both have every intention of reconciliation, once you allow the moment to pass, it will never be the same. New lovers will enter. New paths will open up. I know the person I will be after the Peace Corps will not be the person I am now. Will we still cling to one another as we do now?

And yet, if I choose him, will I ever grow to regret not following my dream?

What he and I both believe is that everything happens in its time and exactly as it is meant to be. He was meant to come to me now. I am so grateful for him, and I shall cherish every moment we have in the time that we have. I am blessed to have him.

19 Months and A New Life

Miraculous Morning Change Your Life

I finished my journal last night. It is the journal I have been working from since February of 2017. In these 19 months, I have created a new life.

The very first entry was affirmations that I created after reading The Miraculous Morning by Hal Elrod. This post is not about that book, but it is a great read, and it inspired me to accomplish a number of things that I have in the past year and a half.

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Here are the affirmations that I wrote on Feb 6, 2017:

  1. I want to live a lifestyle that allows me the opportunity to secure wealth and stability.
  2. I want to own land and property for both investment and wealth-building.
  3. I want to be healthy and slim to maximize my quality of life.
  4. I want to grow in my study of philosophy, the occult, and esoteric knowledge.
  5. I want to deepen my love and appreciation for my partner to bring us closer together and walking a shared path for as long as we both choose to do so.
  6. I want to write a book and become an author.

Continue reading “19 Months and A New Life”

Wannamaker State Park – Appreciating Charleston

For my first day of appreciating Charleston, I decided to revisit Wannamaker State Park.

The reason was perhaps a bit subconscious at first, but it was where my darling and I would spend our Sunday mornings going for nature walks. He has been on my mind a lot, lately, and it was sweet and sad to revisit the trails that we once walked together.

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Wannamaker is a lovely little park near the Charleston Southern University in North Charleston. My sweet man had purchased an annual pass last year, and when it expired, I did the same. I love going to the beach, and the pass has long since paid for itself. With that said, the price of admittance is only $2. There is a dog park, a water park, playgrounds, picnic areas and a giant lake, but my favorite is the long, winding nature trails through the woods.

It is always such a treat to find these treasures as I am walking along. I can’t help but feel like I have wandered into a fairy realm.

 

When my man and I would wander down these paths, we were often silent, holding hands, me looking at the sky and the way the green of the trees contrasted with the blue of the sky. He would be searching the ground for little critters like this guy.

It was easy for my imagination to take me to a fantasy land of fairies and elves. I would be enchanted by the butterflies dancing along the breeze. The chattering antics and acrobatics of the squirrels were always amusing.

The moments I enjoyed best, though, were when I would stumble upon a deer. Today, I was fortunate enough to run into a herd of about 5 of them. I know they were as startled by me as I was by them, but it was a magical treat. I’m so happy I went back there.

Overall, day one of appreciating Charleston went well. I am happy that I will bring lovely memories with me when I leave. I’m glad I decided to do this, and I look forward to what I will cover next.

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I love the contrast of the green moss against the tree.

 

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Do you see the deer hiding in the trees?

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I walked up on several does that were grazing. They kept staring at me as I was staring back.

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The red berry was just so pretty!

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My favorite game is to try to spy the fairies hiding in the little holes of the trees.

 

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The bright red splash of color is always startling and welcome!

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The bark of this tree grew strangely. I tried to see what must have shaped it as it grew to make such a squared look.

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Another view of the tree.

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Another portal to the fairy realm

http://www.countdowntofreedom.net/2018/09/wannamaker-state-park-appreciating.html

Saying Goodbye to Charleston

Saying Goodbye to Charleston

My time in Charleston is finally coming to an end. It has been a time of joy, of pain, of healing, of love and of personal growth and transformation.

Coming home is always bittersweet. I suppose I needed a place to recover and reset my life. In so many ways, I am nothing like the person I used to be, and yet, I will always be me. Through my trials and the relationships that I have developed here, I have grown in new and unexpected ways.

I have just about a month left before boarding a flight to my new adventure. I know that Charleston will always be here if I need her, but I am ready to move on. Whether this next place is my final destination is unknown. I have discovered that all of life is transient and impermanent, and that is ok.

There are so many places I want to see. There are still adventures to be had. I have learned to be comfortable with uncertainty, and know that life will unfold as it is meant to.

In the few weeks that I have left here, I plan to find something to savor and appreciate about Charleston every day. For so long, I fought against it, and could only appreciate parts of it through the veil of my dissatisfaction. So, Charleston, I will give you the respect that you deserve.

I’m closing here, so I may venture out and find something to love about this place.

http://www.countdowntofreedom.net/