A Tale of Love & Destiny

Last year, I met and fell in love with the most incredible man I had ever met. He fascinated me with his travels, adventures, and intelligence. He showed me a life I had never considered before, and it was amazing.

We have had an intense and passionate romance, that came to an abrupt halt when his contract for work ended in America, and he had to return to Germany for his next project. Though we tried to find ways to keep him here or for me to join him there, it just never came together for us. It was absolutely heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.

In the months that have passed since his departure, my emotions have run the gamut. There is regret that we did not have more time. There is pain from the separation. There is appreciation for what we had together, and there is hope that we will be together again.

We have continued our relationship out of sheer stubbornness. It is so hard to release something that was so incredibly magical. Even as we both take other lovers, we cling to one another. When I consider ending things completely, I must wonder, what is there to end? We message each other daily, but we have not seen each other in months, nor do we have an exact date for a reunion.

I want to be angry with him for leaving, but how can I? He is being true to himself in living the life he desires. In his own way, probably without realizing it, he has released me to be the woman that I should have been all along. I finally took the initiative to join the Peace Corps, which was a lifelong desire of mine.

I also remember telling friends that, after having such an amazing man in my life, a new bar had been set. How could I choose unworthy men after him? I could only imagine the Superman that would come to me next.

The lovers that I have had since have all been special in their own way. I have no real interest in money, long-term relationships, or security, so I have held no agenda. I have chosen lovers who were fascinating and accomplished. I love meeting men from other countries who can teach me about the world from their standpoint. I love meeting men who are able to challenge my worldview. I have been able to truly enjoy them for who they are, and when our time was done, we kissed, held one another, then said goodbye with no regrets. I am pleased to still call most of them friends.

Knowing that I am leaving the country for two years to fulfill my dream has allowed me to step back and just live life. It has been liberating. And yet, in a plot twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, the Man of Steel himself has stepped into my life.

The day we met, I had just decided I was leaving Charleston until it was time for me to leave for Mozambique. On our date, within minutes of meeting one another, I had told him of my plan, and yet, he has enchanted me. We have lived more in the few weeks that we have known one another, than I have had in entire relationships with others. Our connection is deep and almost otherworldly. Perhaps because of the time we have left, we are pouring ourselves into one another.

This comes down to, not a choice between two amazing men, but rather which will I choose: a future with him or my dream life?

The one lesson I have learned is that when you release a lover, even if you both have every intention of reconciliation, once you allow the moment to pass, it will never be the same. New lovers will enter. New paths will open up. I know the person I will be after the Peace Corps will not be the person I am now. Will we still cling to one another as we do now?

And yet, if I choose him, will I ever grow to regret not following my dream?

What he and I both believe is that everything happens in its time and exactly as it is meant to be. He was meant to come to me now. I am so grateful for him, and I shall cherish every moment we have in the time that we have. I am blessed to have him.

Never Enough Time

Since applying for the Peace Corps a mere 16 days ago, my life has taken a radical change in direction and I feel like I have no time left! 

As anyone that knows me will attest, I truly believe that things happen for a reason and when it is the right time. When something is meant to be, it will flow, and when it isn’t, there will be one delay after another. I have been wrestling with my next steps for over a year now. 

Through it all, I always knew my time in Charleston was transient. I have made friends, found work, and embraced new loves. This place has given me the opportunity to work through my goals, mindsets, dreams, and sorrows. In some cases, it felt like a tortuous purgatory. Yet, like anything life-altering and painful, there was so much growth. 

This time of reflection culminated in my month spent working in St Thomas. It was there that I was finally able to gain some clarity and begin looking to the future. I realized that my fantasies of what could be would never come to pass without action on my part. 

I could very easily stay in Charleston and find a permanent home. Massage therapy work is plentiful and lucrative by Charleston standards. I could have a very contented life. The problem is, I am not made that way. I have a restlessness and desire for adventure and meaning that will never allow me to settle into peaceful bliss. So, upon my return to Charleston, I finally completed my Peace Corps application. 

That was all I needed to do to irrevocably change everything. In the past 16 days, I have committed to 26 months in Africa. This decision has overtaken my schedule. My To-Do list is filled with medical and dental exams, fingerprinting, paperwork, multiple trips to the Post Office, and phone calls and emails. 

Even though my leave date is not until April, I have realized just how little time I have left to do all of the things that I need to do. It’s not just the big things for the Peace Corps, it’s the little things like preparing to step out of my life for two years. The time that seemed to stretch on in dreadful monotony has now sped up to the point that I am just holding onand trying to cherish every moment left. 

Our Time in St Thomas is Coming to an End

I am in the final week of my month in St Thomas, and I am sad to see our time here coming to an end. It has been incredibly restorative to my soul.

Before I left for this trip, I was feeling run down and unsettled. I felt trapped and without purpose.

Since being away from my routine, I have found a new direction and I am eager to return stateside if only to implement my plans.

I have also been without WiFi for at least half of my time. At best, telephone and internet service is spotty and erratic. In the places we have stayed, we “had” WiFi, but for various, usually weather-related reasons, we have had long periods without.

I am actually writing this post on my mobile phone. I am laying across my roommate’s bed, right next to the open sliding door, which we have determined is the most sustained signal in the house.

Being so disconnected has been akin to detoxing. It has been unpleasant and unsettling. I have tried to take a stoic approach to it all. Keeping a good sense of humor is required.

I have spent my time journaling, massaging, playing tourist, helping out my hosts, taking pictures, and trying to figure out my plan.

I have also determined that a month away is about perfect. The first two weeks of a trip, you are just trying to get your bearings. There is a lot of activity.

By week three, you begin transitioning into the daily grind. Vendors start to recognize you. Locals start to wave. You really start getting a feel for what it would be like to live there.

Now, I am in the final 7 days, and I find that I am ready to implement the plans I have developed in my time away. I cannot say that I am eager to leave, but I feel like I am returning to my homebase, rather than my prison.

I have also discovered that I need to go somewhere about once every 6-8 weeks. If I don’t get out of town, I start getting restless and rundown.

I am a blessed woman. I have finally been able to arrange my life to allow this freedom. I live out of a suitcase, have few possessions, and have a salary that would make many cringe, yet I have never been happier. My heart and soul is bursting with love and gratitude for the amazing people I have met and places that I have seen.

Rainbow over the water in St Thomas, Virgin Islands.

19 Months and A New Life

Miraculous Morning Change Your Life

I finished my journal last night. It is the journal I have been working from since February of 2017. In these 19 months, I have created a new life.

The very first entry was affirmations that I created after reading The Miraculous Morning by Hal Elrod. This post is not about that book, but it is a great read, and it inspired me to accomplish a number of things that I have in the past year and a half.

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Here are the affirmations that I wrote on Feb 6, 2017:

  1. I want to live a lifestyle that allows me the opportunity to secure wealth and stability.
  2. I want to own land and property for both investment and wealth-building.
  3. I want to be healthy and slim to maximize my quality of life.
  4. I want to grow in my study of philosophy, the occult, and esoteric knowledge.
  5. I want to deepen my love and appreciation for my partner to bring us closer together and walking a shared path for as long as we both choose to do so.
  6. I want to write a book and become an author.

Continue reading “19 Months and A New Life”