A Tiger’s Heart

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My newest book: A Tiger’s Heart: A Book of Poetry is now live on Amazon for sale in ebook and paperback. The link is: https://amzn.to/2LkkUXt.
In your hands, you hold over 30 years of my poetry. These poems were born out of joy, pain, love, agony, lust and anger. They begin when I was a very young girl, and span into adulthood, marriage, divorce and motherhood.

I invite you to share in the passion that has ruled my untamed heart for many years.

To read more poetry by me, click here.

Found Poem

A Southern Afternoon

Lady Lust

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Embracing Life and My Girls

http://www.countdowntofreedom.net/2017/03/embracing-life-and-my-girls.html
Ladies Wine Parties

I was a very early bloomer. I developed while in middle school, and became acutely aware of my body and the differences between mine and my peers. Owing to some upheaval with my parents marriages, divorces and remarriages when I was young, we moved around many times. I attended 10 schools before I reached high school. Due to this, I learned to keep my mouth shut and be very observant. When you are the perpetual “new kid,” you are never quite part of the crowd. My sophistication and reserve made me feel (and be treated by adults as though) I were much older than my years.

Since reaching my 40s, I finally feel as though I have caught up to my actual age. I feel as if I can stretch the arms of my spirit into my body, and take full possession of it. I feel strong, capable, confident. I do not worry about the opinions or fears that cause others to pause when I step forward. It is an intoxicating feeling, at times.

I embrace the friendships of other women in a way that we are conditioned against when we are young. Women learn to be jealous of one another, and tear each other down, rather than embracing the strength and wisdom of our collective years. I have found most women are just aching for a connection, a friendship, a place where they can drop all pretense and not fear judgment.

It is in such a space and desire that I created the Ladies Wine Party. It is a monthly group of women who meet at a hostesses home from 5-8pm on the first Friday of the month. Each lady brings the libation of her choice, and a small dish. The only rules are no men, no kids, and no selling. The ladies that have been involved in this have discovered a safe place for fun, with no agenda – just the opportunity to bond with other ladies. The ladies that come to these parties are often shocked that they feel so at ease and welcomed.

I did not intend this post to be about the wine parties. I suppose that I just wanted to express how good middle age feels. Embrace your girlfriends and start your own gatherings. I promise, it is worth it!
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My March Through Time

I have been hiding.

This move to the Keys has been life-transforming for me in both very positive and somewhat negative ways. I have been trying to just take it all in and discover what this all means for me.

I will admit, the election was upsetting to me, and I decided it was time to just unplug from it all. I suppose I just didn’t have any fight left in me.

I remember when I was a little girl, one of my stepmothers had the Serenity Prayer on the wall. For those unfamiliar with it, it reads:

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
the courage to change the things we can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Back then, this meant little to me. Now, though, it has been playing through my head on a running loop. I have spent the past couple of years trying to create change. I think I wanted change just for the sake of it. As a salesperson and business owner, you learn to fear peace. When things are quiet, you are trained to believe it is time to get out there and beat the bushes to scare up more sales. Quiet is a scary thing. I’m having to recondition myself now.

Since moving to the Keys, I have intentionally avoided tackling new projects. I have been afraid of starting something that may turn into something I do not want. I have spent hours at home, cooking, sleeping, drinking, and watching tv. I have done some exploring and tried out some of the new spots here. I find that I make a very good living at the local spa, and I only work part-time, so I have lots of down time. I really don’t have many friends, yet, so I don’t have anyone to call for happy hour. I have some budding friendships, but no immediate connections. My partner and I have fallen into a peaceful rhythm. I’m learning to be ok with silence.
I have let my blog sit fallow, because I think the election was the last dowsing of my flame of passion. For me, it isn’t even about staying home to lick wounds and fight another day. No, I think it was when it finally hit home that what will be, will be.
(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,’script’,’//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’); ga(‘create’, ‘UA-UA-67533812-1’, ‘auto’); ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’); Some years back, my priest gave a sermon and quoted Ecclesiastes 1: All Is Vanity:

1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.
2 Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
    vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
3 What does man gain by all the toil
    at which he toils under the sun?
4 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
    but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises, and the sun goes down,
    and hastens to the place where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
    and goes around to the north;
around and around goes the wind,
    and on its circuits the wind returns.
7 All streams run to the sea,
    but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
    there they flow again.
8 All things are full of weariness;
    a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
    nor the ear filled with hearing.
9 What has been is what will be,
    and what has been done is what will be done,
    and there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there a thing of which it is said,
    “See, this is new”?
It has been already
    in the ages before us.
11 There is no remembrance of former things,
    nor will there be any remembrance
of later things yet to be
    among those who come after.

How amusing that it has taken this election to finally make me understand what was being said. What will be, will be. I know that once upon a time, this feeling of giving up would have raised a backlash of fury in my blood. I would have lashed out and fought. Now, I’m done. I can’t say that it feels like failure, as much as the march of time. I feel at peace. I feel as though I am absolved of any obligation to care. Civilizations come and go, and will continue long beyond my short life. I have given up even urging education for others, for it will make little difference. At 42, nearly 43, I am finally understanding something that I have heard for years. The wisdom of our elders has been there the whole time, but it is the folly of youth that we cannot recognize it until we are ready to receive it.

And so, like the lapping of the ocean upon my toes, buried in the sand, I will endure, we will endure, life will continue, and care not what I feel about the passing of time and the vanities of mankind.

My newest book is available now on Amazon on Kindle and in paperback!

How To Massage Your Lover: 
Create greater intimacy and deeper bonds with your Spouse, Lover, or Partner with the loving touch of massage.

Create deeper intimacy and bonding between you and your partner through the loving touch of massage. You will learn how to perform an hour long, full body massage just like the professionals.

Click here to order yours! http://amzn.to/2reYhZZ

Feeling Fear

My younger sister, Heather and I in Salt Lake City, UT, appx 1982

When I was about six years old, I went camping with my mother. We lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. As my mom was building a campfire and setting up the tent, I began climbing the mountain.

My mom told me not to go further than I could see the campfire. I was concentrating so much on climbing, that by the time I looked back, all I could see ware trees behind me. I was not afraid, though. I could see how close I was to the top of the mountain, and I could not turn back. I kept climbing.

Eventually, I heard someone behind me. It was my mother’s boyfriend. He told me that she was panicking, and that we had to get back. I was so excited about being so close to the top, that I convinced him to go with me to the end. We made it to the top, and then descended back to the camp.

When we arrived, I remember it being about 9:00 pm. My mother had collected park rangers, fire fighters, and goodness only knows who else. I know she had been terrified, but all I felt was a great sense of accomplishment.
That was almost 40 years ago, and yet I still remember it. I realized then, that I do not tend to feel fear about challenges. I think part of it is because my parents always made me feel loved and secure. I was always told that I could do would be whatever I want in life.

“No matter how strong I am, I am constantly reminded that I am not a man.” 

The problem is, I am a woman. No matter how strong I am, I am constantly reminded that I am not a man. This has caused me no end of drama over the years. So many relationships have dissolved because I just wasn’t a good listener, wasn’t passive enough, wasn’t obedient enough, was too stubborn. I just couldn’t take a backseat while my partner led us down the road that I did not agree with. I have spent many nights lamenting this fire in my soul that just will not give up.

Yet, I think of this time and again, when I see people that are stuck. It could be a bad relationship, a stifling job, or an unrealized dream. I can clearly see the steps that they can take to rectify the problems they are complaining about, but are unwilling to take. Fear can have devastating consequences, but for some reason, people would rather cling to the evil they know, then the uncertainty of the alternative. 

At this age, I find that I consider things more than I once did. I feel the slight trepidation when I climb a ladder. I may reconsider following a dark road. I look around a bit more when I am walking to my car. These are exercises that I used to find silly, but the realization that I know that some boogymen are real grants me a bit more natural caution. I tend to feel betrayed by this fear, though. I feel betrayed like I do about my eyesight that is beginning to falter, ever so slightly. I begin to have the barest sympathy for my elders, as I realize that I, too, may find myself fearful one day.

One day, maybe, but not today!

My newest book is available now on Amazon on Kindle and in paperback!

How To Massage Your Lover: 
Create greater intimacy and deeper bonds with your Spouse, Lover, or Partner with the loving touch of massage.

Create deeper intimacy and bonding between you and your partner through the loving touch of massage. You will learn how to perform an hour long, full body massage just like the professionals.

Click here to order yours! http://amzn.to/2reYhZZ

You Know That Drunk Tourist in Key West That You Hate?

Well, that was me this past Saturday night.

I have no idea what I was thinking (other than PARTY). I got completely obliterated, downing essentially two bottles of wine with very limited food on my tummy.

The evening ended abruptly, when my man, trying to keep me from jumping off our golf cart (we had gotten in an argument), grabbed my arm, and the police stopped us. So, for the first time in my life, at 42 years old, I was detained by the police, and had to have my Daddy rescue me.

Thankfully, the police officer seemed to recognize that instead of domestic abuse or kidnapping that was reported from a well-meaning passerby, he was dealing with alcohol. I can only imagine the sight I was, sitting on the side of the road, while this officer was trying to make sense of what was going on. Blessedly, I am more of a silly drunk than a confrontational one. He finally asked me if I had anyone I could call to pick me up, and I was never so grateful in my life than to have Dad right around the corner.

The drive back home with my guy that night was filled with screaming and anger and threats. It was two hours of tension. I went straight to bed, after drinking copious amounts of water, and crashed out. Interestingly, after an early morning purge, I was not hungover. We did sleep in until past noon. It was hard to try to sleep with my partner, but not touch because we’re angry. Finally, though, we hugged it out.

The next best thing was the conversation I had to have with my very worried father. He wasn’t sure if I was ok or in some abusive relationship. That was the reason the police stopped us, after all. Sadly, though, the only person to blame for Saturday’s shenanigans, was me. I, then also had to call Mom, and have had to explain to friends and clients about the obvious bruises on my arm.

Sadly, though, the only person to blame for Saturday’s shenanigans, was me.

I’ve been thinking about the lesson from this whole scene. It is obvious that I have no business drinking like that – ever. I definitely do not wish to ever have another brush with the law. It is also apparent that my guy and I cannot drink together. I have considered giving up drinking. I hate, mostly, that I worried my father. I have always been the well-behaved one, and an incident like this is certainly not one quickly forgotten.

Amusingly, I have had this song playing through my head since it happened. I got drunk. I was stupid. I scared my Dad and upset my man. I am very sorry and I love you both.

My newest book is available now on Amazon on Kindle and in paperback!

How To Massage Your Lover: 
Create greater intimacy and deeper bonds with your Spouse, Lover, or Partner with the loving touch of massage.

Create deeper intimacy and bonding between you and your partner through the loving touch of massage. You will learn how to perform an hour long, full body massage just like the professionals.

Click here to order yours! http://amzn.to/2reYhZZ

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