I’m in love. I admit it. I am deeply, madly, passionately in love. My days are filled with joy and happiness. I find my every thought is of him and our lives together. My days are brighter, more intense, more filled with gratitude.
When I am with him, I cherish every second. I try not to think of the time that is ticking by. I know the moment will come when we must separate, and yet, that makes each second all the more precious.
I think about what has brought me to this moment. I have spent months learning how to be content with myself. When my last relationship ended, I was quite devastated, and had to move to another state to gain clarity and peace of mind. Not only had I lost my lover of nearly 7 years, but I left my business, my friends, and my adopted home. I returned to a place that I had vowed never to return.
In this return, I began to realize that there was unfinished business. I needed to make my peace with my heart. I needed to nourish my soul in only the way that a return to your roots can provide. I fought the process – my God, did I fight! I hated everything about my return. I was hurting and angry and lonely. I couldn’t believe that after so much time away, my destiny meant for me to return here. It was frustrating.
In time, though, I began to peek from my nest. I began to actively socialize and get out. I went on dates. I went out to bars. I watched live music. I focused on my health and finding friends. It was in this time, that my darling love came into my life.
I knew at our first meeting that he was special. He was someone that I respected. He was handsome and charming, well-traveled, educated, and cultured. I found that when he suggested I try something new, I was willing to trust him. While I have always enjoyed the company of men, I cannot say that trust was ever a huge part of it. With him, though, I felt safe to experience things outside of my comfort zone. I have always had to be the responsible one, and for once, I could just relax and let him handle everything. It was an intoxicating feeling.
The problem, though, was that I was still reeling from my life changes. I realize now, that I was still too damaged to offer him my complete surrender. I found that my heart was tempted by others who moved fast. My ego enjoyed the attention offered to me by others. He was slow and deliberate, and my impulsive nature missed the glaring signs of his attraction to me. I think back to our false starts, and I feel so blessed that he was mature enough to be patient with me. There are so many moments that another man would have just let me go. He was willing to grant me the space to find myself.
After these months that I have been back home, I am finally finding my footing again. I am finally remembering that I alone, am the creator of my reality. I suffered because I forgot this fact. There is only each moment of each day. Dwelling on the past brings suffering and regret. Dwelling on the future brings anxiety and fear. Living in the moment, allows infinite possibility. Moment by moment, I make choices only to bring joy into my life. That is all God wants for us. Life is meant to be a joyous expression of love, and all that you want is there for the taking. I am finally ready to accept the love that God has granted to me, and I am at peace.