I Want Love, Just Not Quite Yet

I’m feeling hints and whispers at a plan. I’m feeling strong and healthy. I’m feeling as though I might actually get through this purgatory and move into a new phase.

I can’t complain. I have a good life. I have been casting about, trying to discover my path, and remaining open to experiences. I have met some wonderful people, and some less than desirable ones. I have come to a place where I realize that I need some balance.

When I was a little girl, my Daddy kept me very busy. I would go to school, come home, go to piano lessons, then to ballet, tap and gymnastics class. Daddy was always pushing me to get into sports, though I readily admit, I was not an athlete. I did adore dance class, though. We would go for walks, attend cultural events (Dad was a journalist, so he was always out), and we were constantly on the go. Later, in school, I was in chorus, drama, cheerleading, then JROTC Drill Team.

Looking back, I realize that was how he kept us busy and out of trouble, but the pace was one that I have always maintained. Raising my own children, I went to college, worked three jobs, and still managed to keep a social life. When I later went into advertising sales, I would get my kids off to school, work at appointments all day, then attend networking events into the evening.

As an out-going person, I gain energy and strength from socializing. When I am alone, with no agenda, I am like a battery that gradually drains away until I am depressed and sluggish. Perhaps, this is just my native personality (I am an ENFP), but perhaps it was how I was trained to be. The point is, I love my alone time, but I also need a jam-packed agenda, full of life, friends, and activity. The thought of leisurely lounging alone is not something that I would want. I do enjoy peace, but I always want the option of entertainment, and will join it more often than not.

All of this brings me to my plans…or rather the vision of a future plan forming in my mind. I am going to set aside a night or two to actually meet some new girlfriends. I am going to attend events and try to make some new connections. I have loved dating and meeting men, but I feel like they fall into one of two categories. They either just want a fling, which is fine, but if that’s the case, do not try to dominate my agenda, or they want to go the relationship route, and I am finding that I am, perhaps, not quite ready to lock down.

The reason I am choosing to avoid a relationship is that I am freshly out of my old one, and I feel as though I don’t even know the damage that may be lurking. I have no desire to hurt someone who only wants love and intimacy from me, so I am trying to be honest as I’m working through my life. I also have come to realize that I am used to having one partner with me all of the time, so I have no realistic idea of what a relationship in the dating world looks like. If we go out once or twice a week, and text daily, would that be considered a relationship? When do we have the “exclusive” chat? If we see each other regularly, but then don’t talk for a few days, am I free to date others? I want and need regular contact, so that will either be with one exclusive partner, or a series of people. Don’t claim me, then ignore me.

There have been a couple of men that I have found that I actually think I could have a future with. I would love to see where it will lead. In the meantime, I am just beginning to accept my new reality here in Charleston. I’m making friends, working, and getting healthier. I would love a partner in this, but maybe my mind isn’t where it needs to be just yet. My heart remains open, and my calendar remains packed.

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