My Heart is Breaking

I thought I would have more time. I thought I would have about three weeks before I would hear from him. Yet, he texted me last night.

I love him. Of that, there is no doubt. He has been a major part of my life for nearly 6 years now. I know that there have been issues, yet, we always muddle through it, much like toddlers in a sandbox.
When he texted me last night, I was shocked. It was unexpected. I am heartbroken for him. This is so difficult, because this is not about anything that he or I did, but rather about what our lives would be. My God, I love that man. He’s not my match, though. He calls to me, he calls to me like a drug, like the devil whispering in my ear. My body craves him. And yet, with all of that said, I know that he is not the right decision for me.

And so, I am building a life on my own. I have periods of fun, and I have periods of intense loneliness. I have periods of temptation, I have periods where I just want to be alone.
Ultimately, I have to discover who I am. There has always been someone else in my life. I went from my parents, to my husband, to my children. Solitude was never an option for me. I want solitude, and yet, I’m a little afraid.

I want solitude, and yet, I’m a little afraid.

Break ups suck. I don’t know whether to be nice, or to be mean. I don’t know whether to make myself available to him, or hide. I love him, so much, even though I know that we have no future together. I wish him all the best in life. I don’t want him to hurt. My God, I wish that I could fast-forward through all of the ugliness, for both of us.

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